Thursday, 30 June 2016

In The Sky With Diamonds

Look, I know losing a pet you've had for years is devastating. I know this, because I know people who've lost pets they've had for like forever, and I've seen Marley and Me: so I understand that perhaps my grief or whatever I'm feeling cannot measure up to what those people go through. I had Lucy for only a month, so what do I know, right? It's also why, I can't understand why I'm feeling this way right now. I cant sleep I'm just here watching videos of Lucy on a loop.

I'm not looking for any form consolation, I just want to pour all of my scattered feelings into this text box, because I'm so afraid I'll forget it all.

Every trace of her is gone now, you know. Her collar and leash are put away. The bowls she used to eat from, gone. Her fur that kept shedding swept away; no puddles of pee to step into; the bite marks on my hands from where she used to chew me when she was teething have faded; and the thumping sound of her tail wagging when she was too lazy to wake up and greet me-- replaced by silence, and even worse forgotten.

I miss her so much, I want to go back and sing to her one more time. I want all those moments back: from sitting on her to stop her from acting mad, to, walking her down every hour trying to train her to pee outside only to have her pee on the floor the second we are back inside.

As weird as it sounds, I sniff her bottle of shampoo sometimes. It smells like her. And it takes me back to the Sundays we'd give her a bath and then wrap her in a towel like a baby.

I remember saying I don't want to ever get another puppy but right now at this moment I do want a puppy. I feel horrible for admitting that, you know I would never want to tarnish Lucy's memory. But I have a puppy shaped hole in my heart and I desperately want to cram something in there ??????

She shouldn't have gone. It wasn't supposed to end this way. I was supposed to leave her behind. Not the other way around. It wasn't supposed to end this way.

But it is.

—an excerpt from an email to a friend